Author 




•* **s 



Title 





Class!.. 

Z.3l..§. 



Book 



Imprint 



i«— 47; 



INTRIGtJE; 

OR, 

MARRIED YESTERDAY* 

4 COMIC IJ^TERLUDE, 

IN ONE ACT. 

AS PERFORMED AT THfc 

THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY LANE, 

BY JOHN POOLE, ESQ. 

Author of Hamlet Travesticy l^c. 



NEW-YORK : 

PUBLISHED BY D. LONGWORTH^ 

At the Dramatic Repository, 
ShaksfiearC' Gallery* 

Jan. 1816. 



\\ 









,f3 



ADVERTISEMENT. 



(W\'VV\'W\'X/V\ 



The plot of INTRIGUE is of French origin; but it 
has been so varied, to adapt it to the English stage, that 
it retains but few traces of its original. The charac- 
ters, such as they are, are different ; and the dialogue 
has been entirely re-written. 

The extraordinary indulgence with which this piece 
was received on its first representation, must» in a great 
degree, be attributed to the spirited manner in which 
it was acted : and I trlist the gentlemen, to whose ex- 
ertions I profess myself indebted, will not think it in- 
vidious if I particularly mention miss kelly (the only 
lady in the piece), and express my obligations to her for 
a performance, as useful to me as it has been creditable 
to herself. 

J. P. 

London, 

April 28, 1814. 



DRAMATIS PERSONiE 



vwvwvwvw 



Captain Rambleton, 

Varnish, 

Tom, 

Ellen, 



3l7\ Wrench 
Mr. De Camfi 
Mr. Knight 

Miss Kelly 



** The reader is requested to observe, that ^eveg 
passages (of too little importance for more particular 
Mtice) are omitted in the representation. 



INTRIGUE. 



(vv«,'vv\<v%a<w\ 



SCENE — a room at an inn on the Bath road. A door 
on each side, opening into sefiarate apartments y-^^ 
one the '* Wolf,'' the other the « Fox.'' 

enter to"^^ followed by ellen. 

Tarn, It does not signify talking, Ellen, my dear, 
you shan't serve in the bar, so there's an end on't. 

Ellen. Why, lord, Thomas, where's the harm ? 
I'm sure it is a matter of no consequence. 

Tom. Then why do you make such a fuss about 
it? 

£ilen. Because 

Tom. Because, what? 

Ellen. Because I don't like to sit moping all day 
in a little back room where I can see nobody. 

Tom. Where nobody can see you ;-^rm afraid 
that's nearer your meaning. 

Ellen. No, indeed it is not; but my time will hang 
so heavily. 

Tom. You must not expect to lighten it at^y ex- 
pense. No, no ; I've lived long enough in I<ondon to 
understand the tricks of the idle fellow? who lounge 
about coffee-houses and taverns, when there happens 
to be a pretty woman in the bar : they expect her to 
make love and punch at the same time, and to look 
sweet while she squeezes a lemon. 

Ellen. Then I'm sure you may trust me to mind 
the bar, for I cannot make ; unch fit to drink. 

Tom. Come, that's one reason. 

Ellen. And as for squeezing a lemon, the very 
sight of one draws my mouth into a hundred shapes. 

a2 



mm 



6 " INTRIGUE. [Pooie 

Tom, Say no more about it, Ellen, my dear ; I've 
made up my mind upon it ; and as we were married 
but yesterday, I think it's .too soon to begin quarrel- 
ling to-day. 

Ellen, And, indeed, I think it too soon to begin to 
be jealous to-day. 

Tom, Jealous t you mistake me, my dear j I am 
not jealous, but prudent. Jealousy is out of the ques- 
tion < for though you are the prettiest woman in the 
village— 

Ellen. O, Thomas— 

Tom» You know I speak to you for the best. Our 
house being on the high road to Bath, a great many 
travellers stop here ; and if you were much in the 
bar, as you are but a young, giddy-looking girl, the 
impudent fellows from London might be apt to take 
liberties with you. Believe me, I did not live two 
years as servant to captain Rambleton, in London, for 
nothing. Tknow the ways of the town pretty well. 

Ellen, Captain Rambleton I O, the fine gentleman 
you have told me of ? 

Tom, Fine gentleman ! why, bless you, the race of 
fine gentlemen has been extinct at least half a centu- 
ry. The man of fashion of the present day is any 
thing but a fine gentleman : he is a buck, a blood, a 
dashing splash, or a tight kiddy ; and, instead of re- 
ceiving his last finical touchek in the drawing-room, 
he is turned out complete from the stable. His re- 
sort i:^ shifted from Ranelagh to the Fives Court ; his 
language changed from small french, to St. Giles' 
slang ; and his companions are, not the poets and 
the wits, but stage-coachmen and boxing coal-heav- 
ers. 

Ellen, And is captain Rambleton one of these I 

Tom, Not so highly finished, though he has his 
merit. He keeps curricles, and he keeps horses, and 
he keeps — other animals ; in short, hke a true blood, 
he keeps every thing but his promise. 

Ellen, Why did you leave him ? 

Tom, His place grew too hard for me. 



INTRIGUE.* 7 

Ellen. I thought he was a batchelor. 
Tom, Yes, a soy^t of a batchelor ; that is to say, he 
had no regular wife : but such batchelors are the 
most troublesome people in the world to live with ; 
and I'd rather be in a noisy married family, where 
there is one mistress and a dozen children, than live 
with a quiet batchelor without children, to be at the 
command of a dozen mistresses. 

Ellen, Then, when you grew tired of that life, you 
came to be waiter here— at the horns. 

Tom, Yes, but wafter now no longer ; yesterday I 
married my Ellen, and to-day her mother has made 
me master of the concern. 

Ellen. Yes, mother always promised you the 
horns when you married me. 

Tom, Eh ! ah ! now go into the little back parlour, 
my dear ; and don't be looking out of the window, 
or minding the travellers ; but darn the stockings 
and make the dumplings, like a good sort of a wife. 
EUen. Now I know you are jealous. 
Tom, No, my dear, 
Ellen, A little. 

Tom, No, my love. * 

Ellen, Well, any thing to please, my dear Tho- 
mas. \_exit 
Tom, O bless you. |phe has the best heart and the 
sweetest temper in the world, and I think she loves 
me dearly ; but she is very pretty, and something of 
a coquette : however, as she is a good deal in the 
way of temptation here, 'tis fortunate she is not a 
prude. At all events, 'tis my duty to look closely 
after her. 

Ram. {without) House ! waiter ! house, I say. 
Tom^ Eh ! why, as I live, 'tis my old master, cap- 
tain Rambleton. 

Var. {without) Hollo ! house, house ! 
To7n, And his modest friend, mr. Varnish. 1 
know him of old— a sly dog. You'd think him a saint, 
and yet I've found him out in such pranks I this 
way, gentlemen, this way, if you please. 



§ INTRIGUE. • [Poole 

enter rambleton and varnish. 

Ram. Zounds ! are the people here asleep, or 
dead! 

7bm. No, sir, but wide awake and kicking alive, 
at your service. 

Ram. Eh I why surely it is he. 

Var. Your old servant Tom. 

Tom. The same, sir j Thomas Brisk, formerly in 
the honourable but unprofitable employment of Ed- 
ward Rambleton, esquire, captain of artillery. 

Ram, Why, Tom, what brought you here ? 

Tom. Repentance, sir, and the Bath waggon. 

Ram. Repentance, you canting scoundrel ! and 
pray what motive had you for repentance ? 

Tom. I lived two years with you, sir ; and you 
know what a life we led. 

Ram. We led ? 

Tom. Don't be angry, sir. The truth is, that after 
quitting your service I tried to get into some steady, 
quiet family ; but unluckily having a good character 
from you, nobody would take me ; so finding it im- 
possible to settle to my mind in London, I returned 
here to my native village, where I hope to end my 
days in a becoming manner. 

Ram. Wisely resolved, indeed. 

Tom. Now, sir, may I maft bold to enquire what 
brings you here? 

Ram. The same thing, Tom — repentance. 

Tom. I'm glad to hear that, sir ; for if you had 
come upon the old business — you understand — you'd 
have found the women as shy as linnets, and the men 
dead good hands at single-stick. 

Ram. Ah I my giddy days are now at an end ; 
I'm on my way to — repentance. 
. Tom. How, sir! 

Var. He's going to be married. 

Tom. How ; married ! 

Ram. You know I've often promised. 

Tom. Ay ; twenty women, to my knowledge. 



INTRIGUE. 9 

Far, There's no jest in it now, Tom. He has at 
length profited by my advice, and remonstrances; 
thrown aside all his follies, determined to sacrifice 
himself to matrimony, and it is I who am appointed 
to place the victim upon the altar. 

Tom. Then allow me, sir, to offer you mycompli- 
ments-r — . 

Ra?n. Of condolence. 

Tom. Why that's as it niay be hereafter. But is 
it indeed true ? Or is it a marriage in your old style ? 

Ram. Once more I tell you I am serious. My 
finances are not in the most flourishing state ; a rich 
marriage is the only means left me of replenishing 
my exchequer, and I am now on my way to Bath, 
where to-morrow, to use the newspaper formula, I 
shall have the happiness of leading to the altar, Ara- 
minta Griskin, the lovely and accomplished daugh- 
ter of Timothy Griskin, esquire, formerly of Clare 
market, carcase butcher. O curse it ! 

To7n. Poor gentleman ! Ah, sir, I remember when 
you were the life and spirit of all the men, and the 
ruin of half the women wherever you went; but 
now— — 

Earn. *' Othello's occupation's gone." 

Tom. And slyc you married, sir ?. {to Varnish.) 

Far. O, no, Tom^ I'm too steady to marry. I 
recommended marriJ^.to my friend Rambleton as a 
curb to his volatile disposition ; but for nhyself, who 
am of a more subdued temperament, and blest with 
more chastened habits, I remain as you always knew 
me. 

Tom. (aside) As I always knew him ! does he 
mean to be sarcastic upon himself.^ 

Ram. And pray, Tom, have you ever thought of — 
taking iinto yourself a wife ? 

Tom. {aside) Shall I trust them ? — No, I'd better 
not. — A wife ? O, no, sir. — I can't afFoid it. 

Ram. Not that you'd have any thing to fear from 
us, if you had; — for, as my friend's morals are as 
severe as usual 



10 - INTRIGUE. [Poole 

Yar. And as my friend is on the point of mar- 
riage — 

Tom. True. 

Ram. You could have nothing to apprehend from 
us. 

War, Surely not. Besides, when a man of well re- 
gulated feelings, and strict morality, enters a village 
where all around him breathes innocence and Content, 
he would be a rascal to entertain a thought which — 
{looking out) there she is again. 

Ram. The angel we met as we came in, by all 
that's fortunate ! 

Var. Pray, Tom, who is that charming creature ? 

Tom, {aside) Curse them, they have found her out * 
they mean my wife. 

Ram. Do you happen to know her name ? 

Tom. Her name ! {aside) I think I may trust them 
with her name. — Why her name is Ellen. 

Ram. Does she live in this neighbourhood ? 

Tom. Y — es. . 

War. But, what is her sirname ? 

Ra7n. I dare say it is Simkins, or Hopkins, or some 
such damned common-place name ; Ellen is a sweet 
name, so don't spoil it by any addition. 

War. She's charming ! 

Ram. Angelic !' 

War. Exquisite ! ^ 

Ram. Divine ! 'tis unfortunate that I have deter- 
mined upon reformation ; for I feel a very strong in- 
clination to carry her off. 

War. For my part, I have never been in the habit 
of doing such things ; or she should be fifty miles 
hence before midnight. 

Tom. {aside) I'm in a hopeful way here ! 

War. What a complexion ! 

Ra7n. What eyes I 

War. What a mouth ! 

Ra?n. What teeth ! 

War. What a figure ! what a tout eiisemble ! 



INTRIGUE. 11 

f aside J -I hope the captain has no ill-intentions 
here. 

Ram. {aside) I hope Varnish doesn't mean to come 
across me. Unfortunately I am to be rendered a 
happy man to-morrow j but, if there had been 
time 

Yar, Time ! give me but half the time, and — ^hem ; 
I mean — that — sir ; — I understand you ; and as a 
moral man, it is my duty to tell you that I think your 
intentions are 

Ram. Very likely to interfere with your's. Come, 
damn it, Varnish, speak freely ; what are your in- 
tentions ? You know we are friends ; and as there is 
nobody here but Tom, you may speak without res- 
traint. 

War. Well, then, I'll tell you. I should like to try 
my skill against your's in an exploit of gallantry. 
Now, though you are a man of acknowledged address 
in those affairs, and I, thanks to my moral habits, am 
not in the least accustomed to them, I'll bet you fifty 
pounds that I'll carry off that girl against you, before 
twelve o'clock to-night. 

Ram. Done — and Tom shall hold the stakes. 

Van Agreed ; there, Tom. {they put notes into 
ToTYi^s hands.) 

Tom, {aside) And the devil take the winner. 

Ram. But hark'ee,^Tom — fair play ! you must be 
neuter, you rogue ; if you shew any preference, or 
give the least assistance to either of us, I've done 
with you for ever. 

Tom, Depend upon strict impartiality from me, 
sir ; for I do not particularly wish success to either 
of you. {aside) There may be danger in this joke ; 
I'll end it at once — gentlemen, I must just mention to 
you, that that young woman was married but yester- 
day. 

Ram. Indeed ! that gives a thousand times more 
spirit to the thing. If the ass of a husband knew 
this, eh ? 



,»T^^f»:,«irir^».T»l»>--^A,-«iO,».-,^— ~.| »-- .^^^ 



12 INTRIGUE. [Poole 

War, O5 1 dare say he is some stupid clod, who has 
not the taste to discover the beauty of a scheme like 
cur's. Do you happen to know him, Tom ? 

Tom. I can't say but I have a sort of ofF-and-on ac- 
quaintance with him. 

Ram. No doubt he is some lubberly clown. 

Var. An ass, an ox, incapable of appreciating; 
the value of such a creature as the charming El- 
len. 

Tom. Perhaps he is a dash or two better than that, 
sir. 

Var. Ah ! I see how it is ; Tom is his friend, and 
will betray us. 

Ram. If he do, I'll blow his brains out ; and as for 
the brute of a husband, if he should dare to thrust 
his unmannerly carcase in the way of my intentions, 
I'll see day-light through it in a twinkling. Tom 
knows my way of settling these matters ; don't you, 
Totn ? 

Tom. Perfectly well, sir ; but as for the ass, the 
ox of a husband, depend upon it he shall know no 
more of the matter than he does at this moment. 

Ram. That's right, Tom ; I thought we had better 
trust you in this affair than any one else. 

Tom. I can't say but I think so too, sir. 

Ram. Now for my room, Tom. 

Tom. I That's it, sir. '' The%Wolf."— -I'll shew mr. 
Varnish into the '* Fox." 

Ram. {nvhisfiering) Wait here, Tom ; I want to 
speak to you. [exit to the Wolf 

Yar, (watches Rambleton into his room^ and then 
returns gently.) He's safe— Tom ! 

Tom. Sir. 

Var. I am afraid, the captain is relapsing into his 
former irregular habits. 

Tom. I am afraid so too, sir. 

Var. You see it is settled that one of us is to elope 
with this girl. 

Tom. Clearly, sir. 



INTRIGUE. 13 

\ar. For captain Rambleton, who is on the point 
of nniarriage, to do it, it would be highly improper ; I 
will therefore sacrifice niyself to save my friend, and 
though I am not in the habit of doing such things, 
carry her off myself. 

Tom, Well, that's cool. 

Yar. You see it is my duty to do it, for if I don't he 
will. You must therefore assist me ; and the first 
service I desire of you is, to procure me an immedi- 
ate interview with the little angel. 

Tom, {aside) A comfortable job for me. But, con- 
sider, sir, the night after her marriage 

\ar. True ; that's unlucky ; I'd rather it had been 
the night before. 

Tom, But, sir— 

Var, Psha ! no objections — no difficulties— you must 
assist me. Here's for your pains, (gives money J 
Consider yourself as my second in this affair — mark 
me ; my second, and rely upon my future generosity. 

[exit 

Tom. Well, this is pleasant enough ; a pretty si- 
tuation I am in ; bribed by that modest, moral gen- 
tleman to assist him in running away with my own 
wife. Ha ! ha ! ha ! I can't help laughing at the idea. 
If he had happened to bribe any body instead of me 
though ! uph ! I'm in a fever at the thought of it. As 
it is, there is not much to fear. 

enter rambleton, looking cautiously about. 

Ram, Tom, 

Tom. Sir. 

Ram, Have you any regard for your old master ? 

Tom. Do you doubt it, sir ? 

Ram. I must have proof of it. 

Tom. Any that you desire, sir. 

Ram. You know where to find the charming El- 
len ; you must procure me an interview with her in- 
stantly. 

Tom. But, sir — consider 

Ram. Pooh, nonsense ! consider nothing. You did 

B 



14 INTRIGUE. [Poole 

not use to find scruples on similar occasions. Here 
are five guineas {g'ives notes and silver) for your 
trouble. 

Tom. {looking at them) Guineas ! don't insult the 
memory of departed friends. However, as I am not 
a collector of scarce coins, this will do quite as well 
for me. 

. Ram. Then I expect your assistance. But, mark : 
my friend Varnish, I fear, is not a man of so strict 
honour as he pretends to be ; and though it is agreed 
that you are to be neuter, I shouldn't wonder if he 
were to endeavour to bribe you into his service, 

Tom. No — do you think so, sir ? 

JRa7n. I do ; therefore, if he should, you will have 
honour enough to 

Tom. To remember that you bribed me first, and 
to give you the preference. 

Ram. Enough. [^exit 

Tom. Enough ! quite enough, in all conscience. 
Now what ought I to do ? I am well paid by both of 
them ; the arguments on both sides are pretty heavy : 
now, as a conscientious man, which of them ought I 
to help to run away with my wife ^ Ecod, it is very 
fortunate I have a liking for her myself, or iiriy poor 
brains would be puzzled between them. Here comes 
Ellen. 

enter ellen. 

Ellen. Well, my dear Thomas, what are you do- 
ing here ? 

To7n, (signijicantly) Serving the customers, my 
dear. 

Ellen. What, the two handsome gentlemen from 
London ? 

Tom. Handsome ! 

Ellen. Those charming strangers. 

Tom. Charming ! 

Ellen. Yes, charming — ha ! ha ! ha ! O Thomas, 
Thomas, how easily I can make you jealous. I do 



INTRIGUE. 15 

really think you'd be jealous if I were even to speak 
well of my great grandfather. 

Tom. Nonsense ! I'n) not jealous ; but — I say, my 
dear ; those handsome, charming gentlemen, are 
both desperately. in love with you. 

Ellen. No ! are they indeed ! what, both ? well now, 
I declare that's comical. 

Tom. Why, yes ; it is comical enough, (aside) It 
seems to please her. I'll tell her the rest just to try 
her. 

Ellen, {aside) I'll tease him. But you have no 
cause to be jealous, for all that, husband. 

Tom. Not the least — wife ; especially when they 
have betted fifty pounds that one of them will carry 
you off to-night ; and without knowing me to be your 
hus bandy hsive each separately bribed me to procure 
them an interview with you. 

Ellen. That is excellent : give me half the money, 
Thomas, and they shall have it. 

Tom. Eh ! the devil ! — this is too bad. I did take 

the money of them, to be sure ; but it was with the 

, intention of making them pay for their assurance, 

avowing myself your husband, and laughing at them. 

Ellen. Well then, leave them to me, and they shall 
pay still dearer, and we will laugh at them still 
more. 

7'om. No, thank you — I'll put an end to the joke at 
once. 

Ellen, What, will you never get rid of your jea- 
lous fancies ? though you know you are always made 
ridiculous by them in the end. — Now leave those gal- 
lants to me ; my credit is concerned in it, and I am 
determined to punish them. I suppose they take me 
for a silly country girl, and think themselves certain 
of success ; but I'll shew them that the cunning of our 
sex is not all confined to London ; and that when a 
woman is determined to exercise her wits, whether 
in town or country, she is more than a match for any 
two men in Christendom. 



16 INTRIGUE. [Poole 

Tom. I don't know what to say to it ; I don't like 
your appearing in it at all. 

Ellen, Psha 1 I'll see them ; you shall be present 
all the time, and hear all that passes ; and that is 
more than many wives in my situation would allow. 

Tom, Well, then 

Ellen. Hush ! one of them is here. 

enter varnish. 

Var, So, here she is. Tom, I'm eternally obliged 
to you. 

Tom, O don*t mention it, sir. 

Var. Lovely Ellen ! I seize this happy opportuni- 
ty to throw myself at your feet, and pay to your 
charms the the tribute of admiration they demand. 

Ellen, {aside) You shall pay in a more useful coin 
before I've done with you. 

Var. Listen to me while, kneeling, I swear that 
your beauty has made an impression upon my heart, 
which time itself cannot efface. {Aside) See, Tom, 
she begins to melt. 

Tom, What, the impression upon your heart ? 

Var, Be quiet. — Receive, O dearest Ellen, receive 
my vows of the most ardent love, and of eternal con- 
stancy. 

Tom, The old story, word for word. 

Ellen, Well, sir, since you are so pressing, I'll go 
home and ask my husband leave. 

Var, {aside) Poor simple thing ! — By no means : fly 
instantly from the clod to whom the cruelty of your 
parents has sacrificed you, and 

J'om, {with signs of uneasiness) There, that will 
do. 

Var. Don't put me out, Tom. — Fly from the 
clod 

Ellen. But, sir, you are mistaken : my husband is 
not a clod ; and if he were not very jealous, I should 
have but little cause to find fault with him. 

Var, Jealous ! O the immortal gods ! I tremble to 
hear it ! Jealous ! then you owe it to your happiness 



INTRIGUE. 1/ 

to leave him instantly ; you have not a moment to 
lose. Jealous ! he will embitter every hour of your 
life. 

Ellen, So I fear, sir. 

Tom, Damn it, don't set a woman against her hus- 
band. 

Var, Eh ! Tom I 

Tom, I — I mean, you'd better go now ; he may 
surprise you, sir. 

Var, I'll annihilate the cub. 

Ellen, Pray leave me, sir ; if my husband should 
happen to find me here, with his disssosition, I can't 
answer for the consequences. 

Var, A sensible hint. What's to be done?— I 
have it :— Tom, go and keep a sharp watch outside 
the door. 

Tom, I think I had better keep a sharp watch 
within, sir. 

Ellen, Now, sir, I beg you'll leave me. Consider 
the time you have detained me. 

Var, To me it has not appeared an instant. 

Tom, It has appeared plaguy long by my reckon- 
ing. 

Ellen, Now indeed, sir, — pray, sir — I insist upon 
your leaving me. 

Var. I leave you, then ; and let my obedience to 
your commands be the testimony of my affection. 
But I leave my friend Tom to prevail upon you to 
grant me another and an early interview. 

Ellen, Well, it all depends upon Tom, now, sir. 

Varn, {to Tom) Do you mark that ? I have done 
it ; she is over head and ears in love with me. — 
Pretty well for a beginning, eh. ^ 

Tom, Nothing to complain of, sir. 

Var, Would you advise me to say any more at 
present ? 

Tom, I think you've said quite enough for once, 
sir. 

Var, I'll imprint one tender kiss upon her lips, 
and — — 

B 2 



18. INTRIGUE. LPoole 

Tom. (detaining him) Hold, sir, hold ! Lord, 
how you frightened me ! 

Var. What's the matter ? 

Tom, Why — why — 1 heard somebody coming : go, 
§0. [^forces him off 

Var, Within an hour you shall congratulate me on 
my success. [exit 

Ellen, Ha ! ha ! ha ! isn't this delightful, Thomas ? 

Tom. (forcing a laugh) Vastly agreeable, in- 
deed. But delightful as it is, V\\ instantly put an end 
to it. 

Ellen, There, you are flying off again ! Don't be 
jealous : it is evident those coxcombs think them- 
selves irresistible ; leave the management of them to 
me, and I'll make them pay for the reliance they 
seem to have on their powers of pleasing : — ^I'll set a 
trap 

Tom. Which after all I may be caught in. 

Ellen, Here comes the other. Now,^ quick— ap- 
pear to be speaking to me in his favour. 

Tom. I'll be hang'd first. 

Ellen. Thomas, do as I desire ; consider that with 
two lovers at my command, I have the means of pun* 
ishing your disobedience. 

Tom, Be careful, Ellen. 

RAMBLE TON appears. 

Ram, There she is. That Tom is a faithful fel- 
low. 

Tom. Hem ! indeed he only wishes a few minutes 
conversation with you. Can you refuse such a pretty 
man I 

Ram, What does he mean by pretty man } 

Ellen, Indeed I'm sure he is one of your town gen- 
tlemen, and wants to take advantage of a poor country 
girl. 

Ram. (coming forward J Charming Ellen, do not 
suspect the integrity of my motives ; believe me 
when I swear that I do not entertain a thought whichi 
is not intent upon your happiness. 



i^. 



INTRIGUE. 19 

Ellen. Sir, I must not listen to you. 

Ram, Would you then drive me to despair ? 

Ellen, O dear, I would not drive you any where — > 
but I must leave you. 

Ram, Tom, say something for me. 

Tom, Leave it to me.— Look at him, Ellen. Can 
you disoblige such a pretty man ? 

Ram. Zounds ! what do you mean by pretty man ? 
Lovely Ellen, behold a humble suppliant at your feet ; 
do not disdainfully reject his vows ; do not cruelly 
suspect them to be the ebullitions of a wild, intempe- 
rate passion, but believe them the sincere and fervent 
expressions of the most ardent and unbounded love. — 
That will do, Tom, eh ? 

Tom, It never failed yet, and you've tried it pret- 
ty often. 

Ellen, But, sir — I'm married. 

Tom, I dare say that won't make any difference to 
the gentleman. 

Ram^ Not the least ; on the contrary, it will con- 
tribute to my happiness to reflect, that I have been 
the means of rescuing those charms from the power 
of a mai^ who is unworthy of possessing them : 
charms which would shed lustre on a coronet, and 
impart new dignity to the most exalted rank ;— 
charms 

Tom, That will do, sir. He's going on too fast. 

Ram, Don't impede the torrent of my feelings.— 
Charms, which would shed — shed — hang it, you've 
put me out. 

Ellen. Now, sir, excuse me, I must be gone. 

Ram. What, already ? 

Ellen. My absence will be noticed, and my hus- 
band 

Ram. O curse your husband, don't waste a thought 
upon him. 

Tom, Curse him, by all means. 

Ellen. Allow me, sir, to quit you. 

Ram. Promise then to see me again within this 
half hour. 



20 INTRIGUE. [Poole 

Ellen. I hardly know what to say ; at all events — 
I — I cannot stay any longer at present. [exit 

Rain, Huzza ! victory I victory I give me joy, 
Tom, give me joy ; 'tis done ; — did you notice her 
hesitation ? signs of surrender at the first attack. 

Tom, Perhaps you'll find it only a ruse de guerre^ 
after all, sir. 

Ram, No fear of that ; Fm certain of success : in 
these matters I make it a rule always to succeed. 

Tom, Indeed I 

Ram You know my plan of carrying on the war : 
no ten years' sieges for me ; strike and conquer is 
my maxim. However, in this instance, I must con- 
fess I am not a little indebted to you for my success. 

Tom, It is my duty to assist my old master. 

i?cm. Say rather your interest. Stand by me till 
my victory is complete, and I'll be the making of you 
-^ — ru patronise your house — I'll make your " Horns" 
flourish, you dog \ 

Tom, That's some inducement. 

Ram, But I must follow up my success. To wait 
lialf an hour is impossible. I'll see her this moment ; 
and to prevent her changing her mind, not allow her 
iime for reflection. [exit 

Tom. Egad, then I'll make one of the party. 

(going J 

enter varnish. 

Var, Here, Tom. 

Tom. Hang him, he is here now — sir. 

Var, You must deliver this letter for me, instantly, 
to my beloved Ellen. 

Tom, His Ellen ! 

Var, It contains a request that she will favour me 
with another interview, as I wish just to convince 
her of the impropriety of living with her husband. 

Tom, But as the husband is but a simple subject, I 
am afraid you'll find it hard to convince him that it is 
wrong to live with his wife. 

Var, Not at all : it is a mere matter of taste. 



INTRIGUE. 21 

Tom, But if it should be known that I have med- 
dled in this business ? 

Far. True ; that might not be so well. Let me 
see : — you shall go with us, and I'll take you into our 
service. 

Tom, {aside) And make me my wife's servant ! 

Var, Now, Tom, as you know the oaf of a hus» 
band, it must be your task to keep him out of the way, 

Tom, He'll no more attempt to interrupt you than 
I shall. 

^ Var. Ha, ha, ha ! what a contemptible appearance 
he will make when it is known that his wife has eloped 
from him the day after their marriage. It will oc- 
casion a hearty laugh. 

Tom. I expect it will — one way or other. 

Var. It will furnish an excellent paragraph for 
one of the fashionable London newspapers. " The 
*' following occurrence has been productive of con- 
'' siderable merriment in the upper circles. The ac- 
" complished Lord A. lately carried off the beautiful 
*' lady B. the day after her marriage : the quiz of a 
" husband has gone out of his mind in consequence," 

Tom, Capital! 

Var. Or, to give an exquisite relish to the joke, the 
husband might be described as a prig of a parson, 
who has no idea of a good thing. 

Tom. But why not keep the credit of it, and let 
your own name appear ? 

Var, It would be dangerous ; being merely a plain 
' mister y I am protected from the accident of running 
away with other men's wives ; but great people, poor 
souls ! are subject to such misfortunes. 

Tom. Oh ! ah ! 

Var. Now, quick with my letter — ^but, mum, you 
rogue I 

Tojp,. Mum's the word, sir. (aside J But I shall 
. not trust Ellen with this letter. [exit 

Var. That is a clever, intelligent fellow, and will 
help me to manage this little affair, in a snug, quiet 
style, I hope Rambleton will not be before-hand 



22 INTRIGUE. [Poole 

with me — impossible ! I've been too expeditious in 
my movements. However, 1 shall be glad when I 
am safely off with the girl ; for these things, when 
they are long in preparation, leave one so much time 
for reflection, that there is great danger of one's rea- 
son getting the better of one's inclination. Well, 
thank heaven, I have too much regard for my moral 
reputation to — seek after intrigues ; but when, like 
this, they thrust themselves upon me, what can I 
do ? she i^ here already : that Tom is an invaluable 
second. 

enter ellen. 

Ellen, Now to try whether the scheme I have ar- 
ranged with captain Rambleton will succeed as well 
with his friend here, (affecting surprise) O sir — I 
beg pardon — Is it you ? I didn't . (going) 

Far, Do not attempt to fly from me, my charmer. 
-—Has Thomas delivered my letter to you ? 

Ellen, No, sir ; and if he had, I hope you do not 
suppose I would have opened it. 

Var, And would you have had the cruelty to re- 
turn it ? 

Ellen. Where would have been the use of my 
reading it } I dare say you merely repeat in it what 
you have already said to me, that I am a beautiful 
angel, and that you adore me, and I know not what 
«lse. Ah, sir ! you London gentlemen have such a 
way of saying fine things, that I don't wonder that 
you so easily deceive us poor simple country girls — 
but you shan't deceive me, though 1 # 

Var. Surely you do not suspect me of attempting 
to deceive you } 

Ellen. Indeed but I do ; else what do you mean 
by following me about, and asking to speak to me 
alone, when you know I'm majrried ? I'm m^e yoix 
can't mean any good by it ; besides, you shan't make 
me believe that you are in love with me in so short 
a time. tf 



riiHb 



INTRIGUE. 23 

Var, To love you, needs but for an instant to be- 
hold you. Dearest Ellen, your susj^lions are unkind 
— they are unjust. Can you suspect that I would be- 
tray into misery the being in whose happiness mine 
can alone exist ? 

Ellen. You talk so I hardly know how to answer 
you. 

Var, (aside ) Now is my time. You must not he- 
sitate ; my happiness, nay, my life, is in your power, 
and I am determined to 

Ellen, Yes — I know what you are going to say ; 
you'll get me separated from my husband, and then 
marry me yourself. 

Varn, Marry you ! 

Ellen, O, you hesitate now. 

Varn, (aside) She is up, I perceive : the old 
story, so I must humour it. — Marry you.^ O, certain- 
ly, it is my intention to marry you. 

Ellen, Ay, but I mean in good earnest. 

Var, Surely, in good earnest; but we will keep 
the matter secret. 

Ellen, No, indeed ; I'll have it known : there is 
very little advantage in marrying a fine gentleman, 
except the pleasure of making our friends die with 
envy. 

Var, That is reasonable enough. Now, let us be 
gone. 

Ellen. Must not I bid my husband good bye ? 

Var, Why, I think you had better not : as he is an 
odd sort of a man, perhaps he may make some slight 
objections to your leaving him. 

Ellen, Well, then, wait a little ; night is drawing 
on ; it will soon be quite dark — I'll then meet you 
here ; and, to prevent discovery, will put on my hus- 
band's large riding coat, so that I may pass with you 
unsuspected. 

Var. An excellent idea I 

Ellen. But not a word of it to your friend. 

Var, Not a syllable : I'll just mention it to Tom ; 
he can have a chaise ready for us at the end of the 
village. 



24 INTRIGUE. [Poole 

Ellen. By no means ; Tom has done as much for 
us as we ought ^expect. Leave all the rest to me. 

Var. I rely on you, my little divinity, with confi- 
dence. 

Ellen. Retire — quick ! I hear some one coming. 
[exit TARNISH, the stage gradually darkens 
Well, they may say what they will of their town 
gentlemen, but I do believe, that with a little man- 
agement, we country girls are a match for the best 
of them. They, thinking to find us all ignorance 
and simplicity, are exposed to every artifice we 
choose to practise upon them : while we, aware of 
their deceptions, and expecting their attacks, are pre- 
pared to oppose them. 

enter tom. 

Well, Thomas, it is all settled. 

Tom. Settled ! what's settled ? 

Ellen, I'm going off; but as a proof of my affection 
for you, I have waited to say, good bye. 

Torn. Here's a shameless baggage !— may I be so 
bold as to inquire which is to be the happy man ? 

Ellen. At present they are both happy men, for 
they are both confident of success ; but as you have 
been at some pains to effect this matter, I'll leave the 
choice to you. 

Tom. Vastly kind ! what other proof of your af- 
fection ? — zounds ! I'll not bear this — I'll raise the 
village ! I'll 

Ellen. Hold ! — don't be in a passion ; you have no 
one to thank for this but yourself. Had you told 
them at once I was your wife, this would not have 
happened ; but, as it is, it will teach you that the 
jealous man, while he is needlessly anxious to secure 
his happiness, often lays the foundation of his own 
misery. 

Tom. It is partly my own fault, I confess ; but that 
is no excuse for you, and I am determined 

Ellen. Determine to dismiss your jealous fears for 
ever, and to rely on my affection with the confidence 
it deserves, and I'll tell you— 



INTRIGUE. 25 

Tom, What ? 

Ellen, That this is all a jest — the last part of my 
scheme to expose those coxcombs, and my first attempt 
to convince you, that whenever you are seized with a 
jealous fit, I have art enough to punish you for it^ 

Tom. O, my dear Ellen, you have taken a great 
weight off my heart. What a fool I was to believe 
it! 

Ellen. Well, there ; I forgive you. Both my lovers 
will be here presently, expecting to find me muffled 
up in your great coat, each fancying himself the fa- 
voured man. — ^Now come with me, and follow my di- 
rections. 

Tom. I'll never doubt you again — no, not even 
though I was sure you had deceived me. [exeunt 

the stage quite dark, enter varnish, speaking in 

a low voice, 

Var. I thought I heard her ; no, but *tis quite 
dark, and she will soon be here. Ha, ha, ha ! how 
confoundedly surprised Rambleton will be when he 
discovers that I have carried the fortress while he is 
planning his attack. He's a strange fellow ! he talks 
of reformation ; but I fear he remains a profligate 
dog at the bottom. If I had not been too quick iov 
him he would have carried oflF that young creature 
from the arms of an aflfectionate husband. The mo- 
rality of some people is to me unintelligible ! 

enter tom, muffled lift in a large riding coaty and 
RAMBLETON, at Opposite sides* 

Tom, Hist ! hist ! 
Ham, I hear her \ there she is ! 
Var. Now to carry her off in triumph ' 
Ram, It is so cursed dark ! where the devil are 
you, my angel } u 

Var, What voice was that ? % 

Tom, Hist! hist! 

[rambleton and varnish nvalk cautiously about ^ 
and at last they each take one of tom's hands,"] 

C 



26 INTRIGUE. [Poole 

Va7\ My charming Ellen, let us begone. 

JRam. What, Varnish ! come, come, you may as 
well go to bed peaceably, for you see the prize is 
mine. 

Far. Pooh I nonsense ! I'm here by appointment ; 
am I not, my beloved ? 

Earn, No trifling now ; 'tis I am here by appoint- 
ment. Is it not true, my Ellen ? 

Far, Speak ! 

Bam, Ay, speak. What ! no answer ? I'm afraid 
we are both jilted. 

Far. I'm afraid so too. If we are to be exposed, 
may I die but this little baggage shall make one of 
the party. 

Ram, Lights ! lights, here ! 

enter ell en, with light, 

£llen. Did you call, gentlemen ? 

Ram, What, Ellen! 

Far, Who have we here, then ? hoa ! Tom ! 

Tom, f throwing often his coat) Here, gentlemen, 
at your service. 

Ram. Zounds! Tom ! 

Ellen, Heavens i my husband ! (affecting sur* 
prise.) 

Far, How, Tom your husband ? 

Ram, So, then, Mr. Tom, after all it seems you 
are the— 

Tom, No, but I had very nearly been — the ox, the 
ass of a husband. Can I render you any further as- 
sistance, gentlemen ? ha ! ha ! ha I 

Ellen. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Ram, Fire and fury ! we are completely taken in ! 
If this little adventure should be known, we shall be 
laughed at by all the boors in the country 

Far, And l^po(med by all the bores in town. 
However, I hope Tom does not suspect me of any 
real intention to 

Ram, Sink that, Varnish ; — and as this is certain- 
ly a drawn bet, we cannot do better than make Tom 



WM 



INTRIGUE. 27 

a present of the stakes as a reward for his — services^ 
An immeasurable rascal! 

F«r. With all my heart. 

TG?n. And with all my heart ; and I shall always 
feel happy to give you my assistance — upon the same 
terms. 

liam. But upon one condition, Tom — mum ! 

To7n, Depend upon my secresy, gentlemen. 

JRam. And to show you how easily we men of the 
world can bear a good joke, though at our own ex- 
pense, we'll remain here and finish the evening with 
the new-married couple. 

Far. And I'll take an opportunity of whispering a 
few words on the duties of the married state to the 
amiable Ellen — a jilting baggage I 

£ll€7i. Any thing you please, gentlemen, provided 
you will, as usual, allow my husband to be in the se- 
cret. 



FINIS 



77 



« 



\ 



